Where's the Love

I see everyone's Facebook and Tweets about love. Good love, bad love, love that is missing, being lonely, looking for a good man, looking for a good woman. Where is the love?

It is very interesting. You meet someone, they are attractive, they seem to have it going on. You talk to them, you have a lot in common. You express the them that you don't have time for games, you want someone who is honest, affectionate, and thoughtful or whatever your criteria may be. Both sides of the party have good intentions, then somewhere along the way the love disappears.

Something happens, now you are a B.I.T.C.H. and he is a No good Mutha F____! What happen? Why did he cheat? Why did you call him out of his name? What happen to the love on the first date? Well, not love, but the respect?

I really have not been able to get that far. A few telephone conversations, a few text messages, a few kisses, and then its over. Is my love gone too? Because of the dead end and no good women around me, am I now incapable of loving?

I really don't get it. Real gentlemen always get the short end of the stick. They get it for too long and then become the man that women complain about.

I see everyone chasing love, but when they get it, I don't think they know what to do with it.... really!

Too Much Time with Friends?

You meet your someone new. He enjoys hanging with the homies. Things start getting serious, he still wants to hang out with his boys. Do you give him his space? Do you force him to stop hanging with his boys so much? What is the compromise?

Some females have close relationships with their girls. They have certain nights deemed as “ladies night.”  Are you willing to sacrifice or not go out with your girls so much because you are now in a relationship?

What is the healthy balance? Both need time to be away from the other. The man needs to have some type of male companionship, but what is too much? Females need time to unwind with their girls, but what is too much?

Also, what is appropriate “hanging out?” As a female, are you cool with your man going to a strip club? As a man, are you cool with your lady going out to the club with her single girlfriends?

I think there needs to be clear communication between both in the relationship. There may be some assumptions going on. I might assume that my lady will not hang with her girls as much because we are in a relationship. The one I am dating may assume that I know that she hangs out with her girls a lot, so I should be use to it and deal with it. People in a relationship need to talk more.

What do you think is an acceptable balance?

Favors from another man, is that Okay?

Okay, when is being nice a set up for something much more?

I just wrote a blog about my ex-wife borrowing a co-worker’s car. The co-worker was a male. How do  you feel about your wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend borrowing a car from a the opposite sex co-worker? Is that cool? What about borrowing money?

I have a big problem with that. It is NOT about pride. It is about protecting the integrity of the relationship and letting people know that there our boundaries set in this marriage. If my wife has to go to another man for help with anything, it is showing a pathway in for another man. If my wife asks another man to borrow $200, the other man is going to think, “her husband is not taking care of business at home, if she sees me as a provide, then maybe I can ‘sneak’ my way in.” Sneak my way in does not necessarily mean that this man wants a relationship, it just may mean he just wants sex. But he would view this act of asking for money as a weakness, even if he doesn’t give her the money. He know knows that things may be in distress at home and she is reaching out for help and she may be vulnerable.

The other man might say “her husband ain’t she, she be riding around in my car, he can’t even get a car for her, that is my chick, he don’t have no money, she asking me for money!”

In the marriage vows it says “richer or for poorer,” that means when you go through hard times, you still stick it out through thick and thin. God forbid that I would ever lose everything and be homeless, car-less, or on the bus trying to get my life together, but no matter how bad things got financially, my wife should be there right with me.

I know what you are saying, borrowing another man’s car isn’t that bad. But what is the message that it is sending the that other man and what message is the wife sending to the husband?

"I don't need No Man!"

“I don’t need No Man!” That is a familiar phrase that I hear from Black women. I don’t really hear black men saying that. Why? Because we know better.

The fact is, you may be independent, but everyone wants the company of another person. God knew this, so he made us a “help mate.” Someone that you can lean on for companionship, love, affection, help, advice, and just an ear to vent to. 

I know there are many strong women out there that technically “don’t need no man,” but I think deep down inside they really “want” a man. They want to have someone to come home to, to share memories with, to help raise a family, etc. Aren’t movies, dinner, plays, and bowling more enjoyable when you have someone to share the moment with? Talk about how funny the movie was, how delicious of a meal you ate, or how you won the game? Isn’t nice to have someone to hold you at night? When you have had a long day at work, someone at home to give you a strong hug and affectionate kiss. Or when you have had a long day at work, someone to say “Baby, relax, I will make dinner and take care of the kids while you chill out.”

I know you are a strong black woman, you don’t need no man, but you may want one.

Black men know, we do “need” a woman. We need a woman to keep us grounded, offer encouragement, tell us when we are wrong, and help us maintain the household. We do need someone to keep us responsible and accountable. Black women may say “I don’t need no man” and black man says, “I need me a woman.”

The Chase is More Exciting

“Why is it that a man is interesting in you, chases and pursues you, then when you are together, he doesn’t seem to appreciate you?” That question is loaded. There could be a lot of reasons. Men, by nature love a chase. Men value a woman that they have to put time and energy into. The reason for that is the whole idea of “not everyone can ‘get’ this woman, you have to be someone special to be with her.” Men also like a challenge, at least real men do.

So, why do things change when the chase is over? 

 

#1 – The chase is exciting

For some reason, it is exciting to try to figure someone out, get someone to change their mind, to win them over. It is fun when a lady plays hard to get, ONLY if she does show that there is some interest and some flirting going on. For example, 1^st date is over, the man leans in for the kiss and the lady turns away and says “I don’t kiss on the first date.” She smiles, maybe even winks, then walks away. How much more does that guy value your kiss now? Not everyone kisses those lips. The slight tease is exciting.

#2 – Now that the relationship is here, what are you doing to keep it exciting?

 Do you get stuck into a routine? Go out to movies on Friday night, come home, have sex. Dinner on Saturday nights, come home have sex. Do you wear anything sexy? Do you keep your look fresh and new? D you still flirt with him? Do you try new things together?

#3 – People get relaxed and complacent once they feel they have obtained something.

Sort of like someone who goes to school, they get a the job they have always wanted. The first few years, the pay, the environment, and job satisfaction is great. 10 years down the line, doing the same job, it is no longer exciting. The employ starts showing up to work late, not dressing their best, showing up late to meetings, and not always on their best behavior. They get comfortable and slack off on all the things that were necessary to “get the job.”

#4 – It was only just a chase

I hate to say it. Some men chase a woman just to see if he can “get her.” Not because he really likes her, but just to see if he has the ability to obtain something desired by others. When I was in high school, everyone had their eye on one female. Everyone thought she was so sexy. I approached her and we were a couple in no time. After being with her, I realized that she was NOT for me, not my type, not what I really wanted. I just did it to see if I could be with the person that everyone wanted. After we were together, the “chase” was over. That was immature and I was young at the time, but it still happens with older men (not me of course!).

Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Oh My!!!

This is really tricky. Facebook, twitter, and other online communities opens people up to a world of other people. It has it’s pros and cons. 

For example, the pros with Facebook is that I can get in contact with old friends and communicated with my close friends and family quickly and effectively. I can post pictures of me and my boys and share with all my friends and family all at once. If something special goes on in my life, I can share. I can also see what is going on with my other friends and family as well. I can just look at their page and see what they have been posting and not necessarily have to contact them to see if they are doing well.

The cons to that is that people know everything. If you are not careful about making your page private or who you save as friend, you are opening your private life up to the public. Also, getting reacquainted with old friends means old boyfriends or girlfriends or people you have dated. In an instant it can get a little messy.

When I was married, my wife was addicted to Facebook. Every time I turned around she was commenting on someone’s picture, post, or playing some game. It caused a strain on our relationship in a few ways. I come home from working 10-12 hours and she is not paying me any attention and her face is “all up in” the computer screen. I noticed that she left and yes, she left her facebook page up. One of her “old” friends hit “her”/me up. This guy was someone my wife had sex with in the past. He was definitely see if the door was still open for him to “hit that” again. Wow, and he knows that my wife is married, no respect. That made me look at facebook very differently. 

I actually stumbled upon my ex-wife’s twitter page. She had me begging to get back with me, telling me that she loved me and wanted me. When I went to her twitter page, she is flirting with several men having explicit sexual dialogue. I also noticed messages like “why didn’t you call me or text me back?” That let me know that this was more than just an online relationship. Was she really wanting to get back to me? Was twitter 100% entertainment? It is hard to tell. 

How would you feel if you saw your lover online talking to the opposite sex, flirting, having sexual conversations? How would you feel if your significant other tweeted about the things they love about sex? For example, I see tweets all the time that says “sex is the best when…” Do you want the “world” to know what your lover enjoys? How do you feel about that?

Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace may be innocent and not cheating may be involved…  why leave that up to suspicion and risk your relationship? The short term gratification and pleasure from flirting online worth causing problems with the person you love and spend so much time with?

I Need A White Girl!

Before you send me hate mail, the title is not from me, but to get your attention. I was talking with a friend about the dating situation in Atlanta and he told me that black women have it hard because there are more women than men, a lot of men in Atlanta are homosexuals, and a lot of black men date outside of their race, so the pool of available brothers is very small.

My friend also make a statement that concerned me "Out of all the races, black men are the ones that are more likely to date and marry outside of their race. And Black Women are the most loyal to date and marry black men." I truly do NOT know the stats on that. But lets think about that for a minute.

What if this is actually true? It sounds like it could be true. What is the number 1 complaint that people joke about or sometimes serious about with the problem with Black Women? Lets say this all together ATTITUDE! Women of other races are not as confrontational as Black Women are. Some Black Men are not strong enough to deal with the attitude OR just don't want to deal with it and end up dating outside the race. I know there is a lot more to go alone with that and there may be another factor. MODEL

How many Black families have had a good Model of what a healthy relationship or marriage is suppose to look like? It is the norm for the father NOT to be in the home, of if he is there, a lot of arguing, fighting, or other unhealthy behavior going on? Does the Black Woman, as a child, see what a husband is suppose to do and how a wife is suppose to act? My guess is NO.

If the woman see's her Mother giving "attitude" to her significant other, this is what she is going to do when she grows up. Bad role model and vicious cycle.

So, some black men have had some bad experiences with black women and don't want the headache of the attitude and arguing, so they chose to date outside their race. I am not saying it's right, but I guess it is their choice. I see it more here in Atlanta than I do in Ohio. This is shocking to me. I know there are more available Black Women in Atlanta than in Columbus, OH. So, when I see a black guy with a white girl in Ohio, I am like, "hey, maybe that is all he could find." But in Atlanta?!?! The reason a black guy is with a white female or another race, is because he made a firm decision in his own mind to do so. I wonder what the real reason is, do you know?

Uninvited Guest

When is it okay to come over to someone's house without calling first? Is there ever a time?

I think it is just good manners to call and say "hey, I am in the neighborhood, I wanted to see you, can I stop by?" Am I old fashioned?

I was talking to a friend and there was a "situation" with her roommate. Her roommate is "dating" and when I say that, she is not in an exclusive relationship. She goes out on dates with different men trying to find the right one. Well, she had one man stay the night with her. The next morning, she had an uninvited guest "stop by" while she was in the company of another man. The person who stopped by was not invited, didn't call, he just showed up. He was knocking on the door and calling her phone demanding to see her.

To me, that seems a bit stalker-ish. Why would he think it was okay to stop by like that? But it made me think, when is it ever a good idea to stop by without getting approval first? If she was all alone, would it have been okay? I think people need to set boundaries.

My thoughts on the situation:
1 - It is never okay to come over to my place without calling and getting the "okay" first. Why? I might not be home, I might be busy, I might be getting ready to leave, or I might have something else going on where I do not have time to deal with an interruption. Not that I am doing anything wrong, but there are times when people need their space.
2. If someone does decide to stop over without prior approval, set the boundaries. When you answer the door, tell them "I appreciate you thinking of me and coming over, but you need to respect my space and give me the courtesy of a phone call. I am busy right now and can not entertain your company. Talk to you later, have good day, bye."
3. If someone stops by the 2nd time without prior approval, do not open the door. Either call them on their cell phone or talk to them through the door and tell them "I talked to you about this before, you really need to call before stopping over. I can't talk to you right now, bye."
4. If they do it the 3rd time, do not acknowledge them at the door at all and you probably need to separate yourself from this person, they might be a stalker.

So, when is it okay to stop by without prior approval? This can get tricky. I think that even if you are in an exclusive relationship, it is still courtesy to call first. I guess the only time when it would be okay is if you have your own key to their place, but if they are not expecting you, I think it is still nice to call and say "hey, I am on my way over."

The problem occurs when someone stops by without getting prior approval and you welcome them into the house. When you do that, you are sending them a message that it is okay to "pop up." Even if you tell them "you need to call next time, but since you are here, come on in." That would be leaving the door open (no pun intended) for them to just pop up anytime they feel like it.

What is your opinion? When is it okay to just show up?