Older Men Jealous or Insecure?

A younger lady asked me why is that older men that she dates are always really jealous? I think it is insecurity on their part, not really jealously. They may feel that they need to work extra hard to keep their younger lady interested and not interested in a younger man, but that is on a case by case bases and it is ALL about being secure with themselves.

I have to say, my wife cheated on me and it made me question my worth, my appearance, and all that. I was a huge strike to my ego. I am very secure now.... I have been approached my younger women and I have to wonder the reason for the attraction opposed to a younger guy. So, I guess some men are like, she is 8 years or more younger than me, why is she attracted to me instead of someone her own age?

If you are dating an older man, you should tell him why you are attracted to him. Early on in the relationship, you should reaffirm the attraction that it is sincere. He might think that you have ulterior motives for being in the relationship.

You also need to think about what type of personality you have. Are you flirtatious? Extremely friendly? I had an attractive girlfriend who was very “friendly” to everyone. She always smiled and said hello or started conversations with complete strangers. Some men would think that she was interested in them and then she would have to tell them, “No, I don’t want your phone number, I am in a relationship, I was just being nice.” Some men can not deal with a woman like this, you need to find out what your man is comfortable with.

How do you measure love?

In the movies Brothers the Mother is explaining how you can really tell if a man loves you. She says, if he gives you the last bite of food that you are eating together, then he loves you.

I don’t believe that, but let’s look at that concept. What do you signify as a sign of love? What is it that you do ONLY if you love someone? I know that I am in LOVE with someone if get me to go to watch a movie that I refuse to watch. Or, if there is something that I am 100% against and they get me to do it anyway, then I know love is involved. But this could be different for everyone. 

Here is where confusion sets in, you think that someone loves you because they let you eat the last piece of food, but they show their love in another way. They can eat the last piece of food and it is not because they DON’T love you, it may be for another reason. 

I am not a big talker on the phone. I will text more than I will talk. I like being in person more than talking on the phone. Someone may think that I am not feeling them because I do not talk on the phone with them for hours and hours. Or someone might not think I am interested because I only text once a day or once every other day. Other people may get another feeling. They might think because this person texts them every day, then they really like them.

What do you do for someone to signify your love? How does someone know that you really love them? What do you want someone to do for you to show you that they really love you?

Where's the Love

I see everyone's Facebook and Tweets about love. Good love, bad love, love that is missing, being lonely, looking for a good man, looking for a good woman. Where is the love?

It is very interesting. You meet someone, they are attractive, they seem to have it going on. You talk to them, you have a lot in common. You express the them that you don't have time for games, you want someone who is honest, affectionate, and thoughtful or whatever your criteria may be. Both sides of the party have good intentions, then somewhere along the way the love disappears.

Something happens, now you are a B.I.T.C.H. and he is a No good Mutha F____! What happen? Why did he cheat? Why did you call him out of his name? What happen to the love on the first date? Well, not love, but the respect?

I really have not been able to get that far. A few telephone conversations, a few text messages, a few kisses, and then its over. Is my love gone too? Because of the dead end and no good women around me, am I now incapable of loving?

I really don't get it. Real gentlemen always get the short end of the stick. They get it for too long and then become the man that women complain about.

I see everyone chasing love, but when they get it, I don't think they know what to do with it.... really!

Too Much Time with Friends?

You meet your someone new. He enjoys hanging with the homies. Things start getting serious, he still wants to hang out with his boys. Do you give him his space? Do you force him to stop hanging with his boys so much? What is the compromise?

Some females have close relationships with their girls. They have certain nights deemed as “ladies night.”  Are you willing to sacrifice or not go out with your girls so much because you are now in a relationship?

What is the healthy balance? Both need time to be away from the other. The man needs to have some type of male companionship, but what is too much? Females need time to unwind with their girls, but what is too much?

Also, what is appropriate “hanging out?” As a female, are you cool with your man going to a strip club? As a man, are you cool with your lady going out to the club with her single girlfriends?

I think there needs to be clear communication between both in the relationship. There may be some assumptions going on. I might assume that my lady will not hang with her girls as much because we are in a relationship. The one I am dating may assume that I know that she hangs out with her girls a lot, so I should be use to it and deal with it. People in a relationship need to talk more.

What do you think is an acceptable balance?

Favors from another man, is that Okay?

Okay, when is being nice a set up for something much more?

I just wrote a blog about my ex-wife borrowing a co-worker’s car. The co-worker was a male. How do  you feel about your wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend borrowing a car from a the opposite sex co-worker? Is that cool? What about borrowing money?

I have a big problem with that. It is NOT about pride. It is about protecting the integrity of the relationship and letting people know that there our boundaries set in this marriage. If my wife has to go to another man for help with anything, it is showing a pathway in for another man. If my wife asks another man to borrow $200, the other man is going to think, “her husband is not taking care of business at home, if she sees me as a provide, then maybe I can ‘sneak’ my way in.” Sneak my way in does not necessarily mean that this man wants a relationship, it just may mean he just wants sex. But he would view this act of asking for money as a weakness, even if he doesn’t give her the money. He know knows that things may be in distress at home and she is reaching out for help and she may be vulnerable.

The other man might say “her husband ain’t she, she be riding around in my car, he can’t even get a car for her, that is my chick, he don’t have no money, she asking me for money!”

In the marriage vows it says “richer or for poorer,” that means when you go through hard times, you still stick it out through thick and thin. God forbid that I would ever lose everything and be homeless, car-less, or on the bus trying to get my life together, but no matter how bad things got financially, my wife should be there right with me.

I know what you are saying, borrowing another man’s car isn’t that bad. But what is the message that it is sending the that other man and what message is the wife sending to the husband?

"I don't need No Man!"

“I don’t need No Man!” That is a familiar phrase that I hear from Black women. I don’t really hear black men saying that. Why? Because we know better.

The fact is, you may be independent, but everyone wants the company of another person. God knew this, so he made us a “help mate.” Someone that you can lean on for companionship, love, affection, help, advice, and just an ear to vent to. 

I know there are many strong women out there that technically “don’t need no man,” but I think deep down inside they really “want” a man. They want to have someone to come home to, to share memories with, to help raise a family, etc. Aren’t movies, dinner, plays, and bowling more enjoyable when you have someone to share the moment with? Talk about how funny the movie was, how delicious of a meal you ate, or how you won the game? Isn’t nice to have someone to hold you at night? When you have had a long day at work, someone at home to give you a strong hug and affectionate kiss. Or when you have had a long day at work, someone to say “Baby, relax, I will make dinner and take care of the kids while you chill out.”

I know you are a strong black woman, you don’t need no man, but you may want one.

Black men know, we do “need” a woman. We need a woman to keep us grounded, offer encouragement, tell us when we are wrong, and help us maintain the household. We do need someone to keep us responsible and accountable. Black women may say “I don’t need no man” and black man says, “I need me a woman.”

The Chase is More Exciting

“Why is it that a man is interesting in you, chases and pursues you, then when you are together, he doesn’t seem to appreciate you?” That question is loaded. There could be a lot of reasons. Men, by nature love a chase. Men value a woman that they have to put time and energy into. The reason for that is the whole idea of “not everyone can ‘get’ this woman, you have to be someone special to be with her.” Men also like a challenge, at least real men do.

So, why do things change when the chase is over? 

 

#1 – The chase is exciting

For some reason, it is exciting to try to figure someone out, get someone to change their mind, to win them over. It is fun when a lady plays hard to get, ONLY if she does show that there is some interest and some flirting going on. For example, 1^st date is over, the man leans in for the kiss and the lady turns away and says “I don’t kiss on the first date.” She smiles, maybe even winks, then walks away. How much more does that guy value your kiss now? Not everyone kisses those lips. The slight tease is exciting.

#2 – Now that the relationship is here, what are you doing to keep it exciting?

 Do you get stuck into a routine? Go out to movies on Friday night, come home, have sex. Dinner on Saturday nights, come home have sex. Do you wear anything sexy? Do you keep your look fresh and new? D you still flirt with him? Do you try new things together?

#3 – People get relaxed and complacent once they feel they have obtained something.

Sort of like someone who goes to school, they get a the job they have always wanted. The first few years, the pay, the environment, and job satisfaction is great. 10 years down the line, doing the same job, it is no longer exciting. The employ starts showing up to work late, not dressing their best, showing up late to meetings, and not always on their best behavior. They get comfortable and slack off on all the things that were necessary to “get the job.”

#4 – It was only just a chase

I hate to say it. Some men chase a woman just to see if he can “get her.” Not because he really likes her, but just to see if he has the ability to obtain something desired by others. When I was in high school, everyone had their eye on one female. Everyone thought she was so sexy. I approached her and we were a couple in no time. After being with her, I realized that she was NOT for me, not my type, not what I really wanted. I just did it to see if I could be with the person that everyone wanted. After we were together, the “chase” was over. That was immature and I was young at the time, but it still happens with older men (not me of course!).